(This song totally does NOT match this post, except you'll understand why I've included it when you get to the section about memories and my sister. So, heres to sister inside jokes!)
I am so very thankful for my family. I do miss them terribly. Growing up, I never gave it a thought that I could be a grown up daughter living a life and raising a family away from my family, when I had Breck I felt like a light switch flipped inside of me and it hit me how devastated I was that I was not near my family and that my parents could possibly miss monumental milestones in my children's lives. I didn't recognize it at the time, but now looking back on it, I do believe I went into some sort of warped depression over it. I felt so alone. I felt so very unsure of how to deal with all of the high highs of having a wonderful beautiful new baby, but the low-lows of not being able to be completely on cloud nine as I had to watch my parents leave for home when Breck was just days old. Days old. It killed my parents to leave. I just know it did. I felt this crazy roller-coaster of emotions and feeling alone for about nine months. I think it was when I was finally able to recognize I was nearly keeping my sweet in-laws at a bit of a distance in order to protect myself from the pain and wishing I could save some of Breck's first moments for my parents. I mean after all, I felt as if my parents couldn't experience it... it's not fair that my in-laws get to. I realized this was so very wrong of me, and it suddenly hit me "Would I act like that if they were my parents?" No, of course I wouldn't. I wouldn't "hold my parents back." I'm not sure what magically happened around nine months, but I began to feel like... Ok, we/I can do this. It may not have been the ideal situation and what I pictured my life to be, but that doesn't mean that it has to be a negative thing. I think it is what you make it. I could be miserable and miss my family, and stew and dwell on it, but I would never be happy that way, so I choose to find the positive and look for ways to LOVE my life. Because in all reality... I do love my life! Luckily, I have amazing in-laws who have showed me so much grace and support me knowing that it's hard not being by my family. I appreciate it that they talk to Breck about my parents and pretend as if they do live here. They are a wonderful family to me and they treat me as if I were one of their own. I am also incredibly lucky to have parents that reiterate over and over to me not to stress over keeping things even between grandparents, or stew over missed moments or feeling bad that we live in another state. I know that they miss Breck and now will miss Baby B2 terribly, but they have been so supportive in being positive, no matter where God has us. They have never made me or BrettRyan feel bad or given me a guilt trip over the fact that their grandbabies don't live by them or that they get to see Grammy and Poppa more. Does the thought still pain me?! Heck, yes. And I know if they could pick... of course my parents wish they could see Breck as often and live five minutes away, but what grandparent wouldn't pick that!? You can't blame them. :) It kills me that I can't just swing by my parents house on a whim and drop in to say "hi" or randomly call my sister up for a day of hanging out in our pajamas with kiddos screaming for Cheerio-s or a day out shopping. But you know... it only hinders me in the healing process to focus on what we can't do. So I chose to focus on the positives like the fact that technology and skype make it so much better, and the reunions of when we do get to be together are SO much sweeter and cherished more than just a drop in to say hi moment! God really has spoke to me on this whole topic and shown me many areas in my life that seemed to not make sense when they were happening... but in retrospect, it all actually came out better on the other side than what I could have ever imagined. Same with this situation. Just because I never pictured this for my life, doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but rather, God is using it to make me into the person who he wants me to be, and I have to admit... I do really enjoy Michigan and Grand Rapids... I'm convinced my family could move here and love it too. :)
Kelly at Kelly's Korner Blog does a "Show Us Your Life" every week, and this week in particular I thought it was a great idea so I wanted to join. This week it is "Show Us Your Family." As Kelly says "Not 'YOUR' family - as in your husbands, and kids, but as in the family you grew up in." (I found Kelly's blog through my friend's blog Sprinkles and Wrinkles. Check it out... she's too funny!
This is going to be hard for me to write because when I think about my kids reading this someday, it makes me want to record every little detail about every little childhood memory and every single thing about my family (probably too much detail for a blog). Hoping that one day they will know the things that make up the family unit that is so very important to me, which played a huge role in shaping me into who I am today.
Growing up my family consisted of my Dad: Terry Joe, my Mom: Patricia Marie, my sister: Holly Nicole, and me: Amber Christine. (And our cats: Tabby and Sam, and our dogs: Katie and Jake, and several goldfish that never made it longer than probably a month.)
Terry Joe.
Some call him "TJ" but he was never fond of that nickname, so I called him, and still call him to this day: "Daddy." "Dad," "Daddy-O," or "Toto!" (FYI, obviously some of the only people who are going to understand these family nicknames are the family members, themselves... and most of the time they would be too hard to explain to anyone outside of the family anyways. Good ol' inside family jokes!) My Dad is an extremely tender-hearted, caring, and Godly man. He is a hard worker, and always worked hard so that my Mom could stay home with my sister and I, and also afford to put both my sister and I through Christian school for thirteen years. THIRTEEN years. That is expensive. (Just incase that sounds like my sister an I were held back... we weren't... thirteen includes kindergarten!) At the time, going through school, I didn't really appreciate that or understand how much money that really meant. But now that I'm adult and understand numbers, wow, I understand and am a little bit more grateful now for the sacrifices he made. That is exactly what they did... made sacrifices for what was important. My Dad has always been very active in our church growing up and now in the church he and my Mom attend. I never remember a time when my Dad wasn't a deacon, trustee, treasurer or an usher (and there were times he played all of these roles at the same time!). My Dad was the one who literally led me to Christ too... and for that I am most grateful. He's a very devoted man, to his Lord, his wife, and his family. I think there was always a longing in my Dad's heart to have had a son so I find it precious that he has ended up with three grandsons! And boy, oh boy, does he cherish his grandsons... they are the joy of his life. He love his role as Papaw! Part of his longing for a boy, was the desire to carry on the family name (because my Dad was an "only boy"), At some point, BrettRyan and I plan on incorporating my maiden name into one of our son's names... just for my Dad! (and my Mom too of course!)
I have many fond memories I hold close in my heart: being pulled in the sled behind the tractor, snowball fights, learning what sassafras tea was, chunky colored Christmas lights on our pine trees, covered bridge festivals, loving visiting Dad's office at Rotz and playing on the chalkboard in the conference room, invading the candy jar at the receptionists office, pretending the cubicles were mazes and always remembering hearing 107.9 play ever so softly through the building and thinking what a calm place it must have been to work (Yeah, right!?! Huh, Dad!?) Half-shaven bears, and shaving cream sculptures, and many, many more...
Patricia Marie.
Her brother used to call her "Trish." Her parents would always call her "Patricia." I would call her "Mom," "Mommy," or "Mommy-Salami." My Mom is one of the sweetest, most gentle people I know. She has always been a wonderful Mom... so wonderful that I still want her with me for some of those "Mommy" roles she's always played in my life. My Mom's spiritual gift is one of an encourager. She is the one with a stash of cards always at the ready, and if there is a need for a baby shower card, sympathy card, congratulations card, new home card... there she is sending it out before I could even finish my intentional thought of sending out a card. I know where she got this too... strait from her Momma. My Grandma was always sending a note or card, and I'm trying to not let this die. :) My Mom was also always involved in our church, and she is definitely a more "taking care of the details behind the scenes" type person, which is so where I get that! She was always taking people a meal who were in need from church, helping cook and serve at funeral dinners, ordering flowers to be sent from the church to those in the hospital, serving a cookie and Kool-aid to the Vacation Bible School littles, working in the nursery, pumping grape juice into little one ouncer plastic cups, and making a crazy good communion bread (so good that I could have gotten angry if there wasn't some left over after church to take home... man that stuff was good. I may or may not have made communion bread before just for fun and to munch on.) My Mom was our taxi driver. (This is also something I couldn't fully appreciate until now) My sister and I never road the bus, she drove us to and from school every single day. That's four trips, to and from school twice in a day. We often joke about how many times she has driven on "our road" since they've lived there! And she always usually had an after-school snack waiting for us in the car for the ride home. My Mom and Dad have always been my "friends" whom I've shared nearly everything with. They were the ones I would consult about relationship problems or when I needed to seek advice, not my friends. She's a wonderful Mamaw who just adores her grandboys too. She must have this thing about her that makes the boys in her life tease her (this sounds ALL TOO FAMILIAR - I am JUST like my Mom!) because she and her oldest grandson, Dylan, have always had this fun, teasing sort of relationship... buddies, really. And I 100% sense that happening with with Breck and Mamaw too. He totally teases her... and it's precious! :)
I also have many, many fond memories of my Mom: Pumpkin delights, wooden spoons (just had to throw this in for fun, Mom!), possums and brooms, "cooking" with sweet smelling cloves, parks, late at night last-minute Starbucks runs (Man, I miss those and would sometimes give anything to call my Mom up and say, "Hey, Mom! Starbucks. Five minutes? - But we make up for it by doing it nearly every time we are together.) Bye-See ya-Love ya, her chili on a cool fall day, the goofy cheesy ads she would cut out, highlight, and sent me at college for a good laugh, the naughty cards (they weren't that bad, just fun!) she'd send me at college as a joke, the sweet packages she'd send from home when she knew I was homesick, her sweet perfume that smells like comfort, she would send me leaves from my favorite tree when I was missing fall and surrounded by palm trees instead, her hands on my cheeks when I was sick (I still long for this!), just the sound of her voice, and many other memories...
Holly Nicole
Also known as "Peanut" or "Little Sis." My Sister. Oh! How I love my sister! We used to fight like crazy when we were little, sometimes we literally would get into kicking-screaming-scratching fits, or sometimes we would stomp and slam doors over who had what on first, and who was going to use that. My Mom would cry and say, "I just hope you girls don't grow up to hate each other." Oh how we are NOTHING like that now. Now, we are best of friends. I wish that I had one ounce of her ability to say what she thinks. Sometimes that quality is not so sparkly, but really she is kind, compassionate, caring, strong, but has just enough of that "don't cross me" that gets her through life much easier than I do. (I'm the one who calls her in tears and upset at my stomach if I have to "put someone in their place" or tell them what's really up.) I'd hire her to do my dirty work if I could. She's good! :) I am SO proud of my sister... she is a very talented and determined person. She currently is a hair and makeup artist at a local salon. She has qualities that could easily allow her to own that salon if she wanted to. Seriously. Some of her previous bosses have admitted that she, her (the the time 21, 23) 24 year old self could do a better job managing and owning the salon than they could! She stays up on all the latest trends in makeup and hair and is always up for trying something new. She's not going to be one of those "dated hair-stylists" who only knows how to cut five ways and has never updated herself. She is incredibly mature and has a drive about her that's crazy cool to watch. She married Aaron, who is the older brother I always wanted! He's great! He's a great optimist and a wonderful encourager... and a fabulous humorist. They had their first son, Dylan Michael (Michael is also Aaron's middle name), in 2003. What a blessing Dylan is. I literally broke my heart to miss his birth and the first two years of his life while I was twelve hours away at school. I remember sitting in my dorm-room on the floor and my Dad telling me on the phone (when Dylan was about 2) that they went pumpkin picking and he picked out his own pumpkin... and that it was the tiniest pumpkin he could find. My Dad tried to convince him he could get a bigger one, but he insisted on the tiny one. I balled my eyes out. The picture of his little self bending over to pick a pumpkin, and the fact that he had the ability to have an opinion about what kind of pumpkin he wanted... was precious and made me so stinking homesick. Oh the reunions of coming home from college at Christmas and in the summers were so very sweet... to see how much he had grown and that he never once failed to recognized me. The fact that he never forgot me - and still has never forgotten me, even with the distance now, will always be special to me. He's my buddy and he made me an aunt. That is special. In 2010 Aaron and Holly had their second boy, Broderick Cole (Cole coming from Holly's middle name... love that!). Brody is also special, because Brody and Breck were due two days apart. So Holly and I carried the boys at the same time and they developed probably at the exact same time! Holly and I just commented the other day that it is so interesting that Breck is hitting all of the developmental stages about two weeks behind Brody... ironic because Brody was born two weeks early! Love my sister and her little family so very much!
I have tons of great memories with my sister: passing mail between our bedroom windows with two suction cups and thread made into a pulley contraption, and a paperclip: it rocked. We felt so top-secret reeling in those notes. Playing "you're going to jail." Playing hide-and-seek when we were really little and if you called Holly's name while she was hiding, she would say "WHAT!?" Being the third wheel on some of Holly and Aaron's dates... I hated it at the time, but love the memories now. Being mistaken for twins when we were little. Being stopped by some stranger and being told that we "must have been from the same litter." Shopping together. Speeding to school while we blaired the music and sang. Singing (and laughing at) Soul Decision's Faded Lyrics - "Thinking about making my move tonight." Holly screaming "Get me outta here!" while she was in the bathtub with me, and for good reason. Maaaasaalaamma. Laughing at the smallest things together and not really sure why it's funny, and the unspoken comfort with no need for an explanation as to why it's funny, but continuing to laugh until we cry. Holly packing her suitcase, and leaving saying that she was running away (to the neighbor's house.) Playing "school," "nail salon," and riding our bikes together and many other memories...
I am so very thankful for my family. I do miss them terribly. Growing up, I never gave it a thought that I could be a grown up daughter living a life and raising a family away from my family, when I had Breck I felt like a light switch flipped inside of me and it hit me how devastated I was that I was not near my family and that my parents could possibly miss monumental milestones in my children's lives. I didn't recognize it at the time, but now looking back on it, I do believe I went into some sort of warped depression over it. I felt so alone. I felt so very unsure of how to deal with all of the high highs of having a wonderful beautiful new baby, but the low-lows of not being able to be completely on cloud nine as I had to watch my parents leave for home when Breck was just days old. Days old. It killed my parents to leave. I just know it did. I felt this crazy roller-coaster of emotions and feeling alone for about nine months. I think it was when I was finally able to recognize I was nearly keeping my sweet in-laws at a bit of a distance in order to protect myself from the pain and wishing I could save some of Breck's first moments for my parents. I mean after all, I felt as if my parents couldn't experience it... it's not fair that my in-laws get to. I realized this was so very wrong of me, and it suddenly hit me "Would I act like that if they were my parents?" No, of course I wouldn't. I wouldn't "hold my parents back." I'm not sure what magically happened around nine months, but I began to feel like... Ok, we/I can do this. It may not have been the ideal situation and what I pictured my life to be, but that doesn't mean that it has to be a negative thing. I think it is what you make it. I could be miserable and miss my family, and stew and dwell on it, but I would never be happy that way, so I choose to find the positive and look for ways to LOVE my life. Because in all reality... I do love my life! Luckily, I have amazing in-laws who have showed me so much grace and support me knowing that it's hard not being by my family. I appreciate it that they talk to Breck about my parents and pretend as if they do live here. They are a wonderful family to me and they treat me as if I were one of their own. I am also incredibly lucky to have parents that reiterate over and over to me not to stress over keeping things even between grandparents, or stew over missed moments or feeling bad that we live in another state. I know that they miss Breck and now will miss Baby B2 terribly, but they have been so supportive in being positive, no matter where God has us. They have never made me or BrettRyan feel bad or given me a guilt trip over the fact that their grandbabies don't live by them or that they get to see Grammy and Poppa more. Does the thought still pain me?! Heck, yes. And I know if they could pick... of course my parents wish they could see Breck as often and live five minutes away, but what grandparent wouldn't pick that!? You can't blame them. :) It kills me that I can't just swing by my parents house on a whim and drop in to say "hi" or randomly call my sister up for a day of hanging out in our pajamas with kiddos screaming for Cheerio-s or a day out shopping. But you know... it only hinders me in the healing process to focus on what we can't do. So I chose to focus on the positives like the fact that technology and skype make it so much better, and the reunions of when we do get to be together are SO much sweeter and cherished more than just a drop in to say hi moment! God really has spoke to me on this whole topic and shown me many areas in my life that seemed to not make sense when they were happening... but in retrospect, it all actually came out better on the other side than what I could have ever imagined. Same with this situation. Just because I never pictured this for my life, doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but rather, God is using it to make me into the person who he wants me to be, and I have to admit... I do really enjoy Michigan and Grand Rapids... I'm convinced my family could move here and love it too. :)
I have no idea why I poured my heart completely out. I'm usually not big on people sharing their "baggage" on a blog, but this is huge in my life, and while I'm on the topic of family... it just all came out. It feels good to write it. To journal it. To admit Hey yeah... I admit I had a problem, but am and I will overcome it.
-A
(*All photos in this post were photographed by Megan Burks and were taken October 2010)
